Expressive and Emotional word content… poetic justice… my thoughts are perceptive, occasionally subjective but always dimensional. My career lies in psychology and my mind lies in philosophy. To question and ponder is to reflect. I am both reflective and directive. I never walk with caution as our steps need their footprints. I love this journey we call life.

Memory Lane

A myriad of memories blur the edges of my despair,

Wash away the crippling pain with their softened touch.

I can see them before me,

Playing on, like a muted movie,

My life stark in the spotlight,

I watch alone.

I see a child dancing to her own music,

Her innocent mind punctuated only with love and security.

I feel her childlike hope,

Her dreams, laid out before her,

No fear as she looks to her side,

Her hand held tight.

The reel quickens as I fall for it’s lure,

I feel myself falling into the web,

Memories charming,

Reliving moments gone,

The odour of old, filling my senses,

Nostalgia knocking,

I surrender.

Sleep engulfs me as I lose my reality,

Floating, I hear the sigh escaping,

Forgetful, I pray,

In my minds eye,

she’s there smiling,

Yesterday feels closer now,

My hand reached out,

Not letting go

I awake to the sound of bird song,

Dazed, My eyes remain closed,

Refusal, I can only hope,

The light is brighter,

Life remains,

My hand is empty now,

Her touch still warm.

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Unhidden

My mum, myself, and I

My mum died last Wednesday.

The first person I ever met and ever loved. My mother. My mummy. My parent.

I felt my heart shatter upon her death. It felt like an explosion inside my chest, a rapid procession of gun fire, leaving only a hollow mass of nothingness.

The first few days were uneventful. I do not recollect an awful lot as I felt lost in a haze of denial and disbelief, the small child in me flatly refusing to acknowledge this reality. I think I closed my mind. I imagined she was simply out and busy. Nothing bad there. She would call when she was free. See, it was not true.

Unfortunately it was.

It’s strange how your emotions trigger memories, filed away and almost forgotten. I remembered her embrace as a young child, the smell of her clothes, her laugh and care. I did not think of her skeletal body, her constant cough, or her rapid ageing. I remembered my mum as happy and care free. Her love of adventure, her sporting hobbies, her many friends. It was too painful to remember her bad relationships, the abuse she suffered at others hands, and her loneliness and loss of hope.

My mum was a woman of many roles. Her favourite was her role as a Nanna and a mum. She excelled at this, and my children are a tribute to her time and patience.

My mum was my best friend. She also irritated the hell out of me at times. I’m sure I also have her lots of varied food for thought over the years. She was always there. I cannot remember anything without her.

The first few nights I was afraid to sleep. It is very irrational but I imagined her stood there in the dark watching me, a mirror image of the dark haired girl Samara in ‘The Ring’. It is ludicrous as my mum would never scare me and she is not an evil entity at all. I realised the depth of my despair and analytical thoughts. I visited her and kissed her cold head as I stroked her hair. Even in death, she was not frightful, merely a rough version of the Mum I had known all my life. I imagined that the way they had set her mouth, was actually a smile.

It’s day 10 today. I am holding it together. I am continuing to live. My break downs are sporadic yet regular. Choosing a Mother’s Day card yesterday for her coffin almost crucified me. I washed the floor with my streaming tears and snot. I thanked the heavens that there were no mirrors behind the card rack.

I know it won’t get easier. I will just learn to paper over the hole left in my heart. Every day will bring a new trial and a new challenge. Without her I wouldn’t be here, so it’s only logical that a small piece of me died with her.

I will live. I will breathe. I will smile. My children look upon me as I look upon her and in this circle of life, we continue. We jump the hurdles and we leap the rocks. Every accomplishment I will high five her, every down fall I will look to the sky and share my tears with the angels. In life she was my constant, in death she is my angel.

I know she will be looking down on me.

Happy Birthday and welcome to the beginning years! 

My little tortoise is 1 today! A whole year of crazy, a year of chaos, a year of laughter and a year of undeniable, breathtaking love!

There is nothing as magical as the love we have for our children. I have accomplished a lot of things in my life. I have studied and have degrees, I drive a nice car, I enjoy a good life style. None of that matters when I look at my boys. They are my biggest accomplishment and my biggest rewards! ❤️

Hell hath no fury…or any tonsils

I am ill. Poorly ill, not ill in the head, or insane. I have tonsilitis but have no tonsils, so have ‘itis’of something. Regardless of this, I feel rough and have remained in my night wear all day. I am officialy on a self woe day, and have spent the day in mindful thought and over analysis.

So as I have sat here, tonsil -less may i add, I have been thinking of the crazy thing we call Life. I am fairly ambitious and have always strived for the next step in my planned quest, whatever this may be. I set myself small goals, take tiny bites out of the cookie, keep nibbling, until I have destroyed that entire sweetened quest. Then I simply take out another, and start all over again. A psychologist would have loads of fun analysing my personality and cognitions in comparison to food, especially the sweet and naughty kind 😀

So back to the cookie, I find the psychological idea of small chunks enables a thorough fool-proof plan in reaching the end goal. I am impulsive, and often attempt to take larger bites, but have learnt that often this leads to disappointment or a crucial step may have been missed. Overall my process works, and I have this to thank for my own career and life achievements.

Well now we come to the ingredient part. What do we do if, after a bite, you realise theres a huge raisin poisoning that sweet taste?! Yes this happens. We make a plan and continue on our merry way and then somebody comes along and leaves someting in the way for you to trip on and fall flat on your face. See the metaphor? Raisin? Annoying person or barrier?! How do we deal with this you may ask.

Unfortunately this ruins the whole experience. We have a firm choice to make, we can decide to throw the whole cookie away and sacrifice the whole biscuit, or we can nibble around it and make a new path. The latter also allows us to continue to enjoy our treat but also still reach the goal….win win.

In reality this is hard. Of course, the cookie is simply a plan, and the raisin can be many things. A person, a restraint, a problem, a distraction. It is not always as easy as working around something, confronting, changing, especially if that something is determined to ruin your plan. Sometimes the solution is like a smack in the face, or in my current case, a pain in the throat! It may hurt, it may be uncomfortable, but surely its worth it for further clarity and success.

In my own experience, I find that the poisonous raisin can inbed itself anywhere and the bitter taste certainly does have its own unique flavour, one we remember well. I have faced changes, unexpected and unfortunately these have affected my own plans. I have experienced hostile colleagues, jealousy, competitive, challenging. I am sure we all have. It is a difficult situation. Confrontation is not desirable but neither is sacrifice. Sometimes careful diplomacy is required. Our own subject matter becomes paramount in our next steps. We crave the sweet chocolate chip but instead sink our teeth into that shrivelled dried rubbery texture. We cant change it. We can only change how we see it.

Instead of viewing it as a barrier, we need to view it as a curve ball. Our change in perception enables us to create new routes and make bigger progress. The raisin becomes simply a mini trampoline, helping us bounce onto the next venture by giving us a forward push – a rush of determination. That jealous colleague, that change, that growing challenge? Use it to your advantage. Turn it around. Nobody expects that and negativity really turns into positivity.

After all hell have no fury like an ambitious and determined lady…..

Crown of strength and diligence 

Givers and Takers and the continous cogs…

I honestly believed that there are different breeds of people in the world. Some motivated by love, honour, respect. Others stimulated by admiration, popularity, success and gratification. Then there are simply those who remain aloof to the processes, and remain absent from the psychological demeanor which presents itself at every corner.

As I watch the world slowly moving around, I become further intrigued by the cogs which move within it….

Us.

We are complicated and diverse. We remain stubborn and fixated. We are hard to move, even harder to turn.

Yet we can turn very easily, and we will move…if it suits us.

Are we simply out for ourselves? Is it possible for individuals to be selfless and not consider a gain with each personal action?

Do we appreciate the gestures of others, or do we expect them? Is this a personality flaw or simply a trait which we deny.

It is a complex paradox. How can we differentiate between people who give freely and those who clutch their worth tighter to their chests? Is this the comparable ‘givers’ and ‘takers’? Or is this in fact reality stripped bare.

I value myself as honest, hardworking and compassionate. As do we all. However, if I feel like I’m always giving and not receiving equally, then why does this infuriate me? Why does it infuriate you? Because we EXPECT a return on our time and effort.

The truth is, we do not give it freely and often we come to a ‘check mate’.

Expectation breeds expectation. Those who give begin to want to take. The little voice whispers ‘but it is only fair’…

Yes. A mutual investment is the answer, but the interest rate forever remains variable.

The cycle keeps going on.

The mind of a deep thinker…or complete rubbish…it is all down to interpretation and perception…