Who I am and who she is

by Emma

I am a control freak. I freely admit it. I like to see things done and who better to ensure this, than yourself. However it gets exhausting. I can categorically label myself as a ‘doer’. I genuinely care about others and I constantly chase the buzz moments. I guess I am one of those people who remain motivated to organise, to plan, and to simply be. I need a change.

Sometimes it gets mentally exhausting relying on yourself only. Life is never spontaneous as your subconscious always knows what is next. I admit I am impulsive and love stimulation, but most of my family and friends simply expect this now. I often wonder what role reversal would be like.

I guess I am who I am. We all complete our own persona. I will always be the one to push things that little bit further. Sometimes I guess I would like to be amazed. Sometimes I would like to be a simple passenger.

This got me further pondering. I relate back to one of my previous posts Is the grass greener or full of cow pat?, Is it our own dissatisfaction or perception that leads to deeper thought?

I love my life. I finally feel settled and like who I have become, yet I still doubt sometimes. I doubt myself, mistrust my judgements, and ponder on my instinct. Yet I still have to fit the leadership role. I remain the person who is expected to be in control. It can be tiresome. Inside there lays that vulnerable little girl from yesteryear who still questions and seeks clarity.

She still looks up hopefully, pursing her lips and raising her eyebrows.

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The mind of a deep thinker…or complete rubbish…it is all down to interpretation and perception…